America's Obesity Issues
by b14ckr05e
Summary: "Tall Tale" using Hetalia characters. America's too fat, what shall England do? Father/Son relationship.


**Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Hetalia characters. That right belongs to whoever wrote/drew/thought up its idea.(too lazy to look up actual name) Please Enjoy Warning: Crack. Pure, absolute crack. Does not follow storyline(if there is one) at all.**

Once upon a time, there was a boy named America. He was a kind child, with a gently heart and a sunny personality, someone that everyone liked. There was only one problem with him.

He ate too much.

In fact, he ate so much that every two days, he expanded by another two feet. By the time he was seven, he had expanded so much that his family and the villagers had to build a separate building twice the size of the largest building currently in their village just to accommodate him.

His father, England, was very worried about his sons eating habits. He just wanted what was best for his adopted child, as he was far too young to have any children of his own. Also because he was single. However, he knew that if his son continued eating like this, he would eventually become so big that he would destroy the village they were living in.

England tried many things to get his son to slim down. The easiest solution would be to get him to exercise daily and burn off all the calories he had gained from his sedentary lifestyle. America agreed to this, because he too, wanted to become skinnier and healthier.

So, every day, they exercised. Running five miles, then 50 pushups, followed by another five miles. Afterward, they would lift weights and run another ten miles. At least, England did all this. America could barely run a single mile before collapsing. So they scrapped that idea. Besides, the villagers were complaining that whenever America took a step, a mini earthquake happened.

After that, England somehow convinced America to go on diet. He took away all the Unhappy Meals that America bought yearly to store in his building because he was too lazy to go buy one every time he was hungry. Instead, America was limited to a single jug of tea, five scones, a head of cabbage, and a handful of soybeans a day.

After a few days of this new diet that England had set, he began to notice something peculiar. His son's skin, which was usually a pasty white from sitting in front of the tele for too long, was starting to turn a splotchy green. Also, his skin was starting to look lumpier than usual. England, panicked that his son going to drop dead at any moment, stopped the diet immediately and returned his son's Unhappy Meals.

Running out of ideas, he went to the wiseman of his village, France. After spending an hour listening to France's ramblings on how healthy it was to be big, he finally got France to tell what to do. According to France, he should seek out the Great Sage of West, a mysterious man named Japan. To get to Japan however, was no easy task. England would have to cross an ocean, a giant desert, fight robbers and muggers and giant winged serpents, then cross another fairly large body of water.

England, luckily was up to the challenge. This was his first and probably only son, and he wanted to take care of him as much as possible. So across he went, ocean, deserts, serpents, and all. The serpents proved a little difficult, as they could fly and breath fire, but they had obviously never heard a wonderful invention call the gun.

By the time had gotten to the Sage, he was bone weary and tire, but he did not stop to rest, as his son needed him. The Sage gave him what he needed which were some odd bits of medicine that he had called weight loss pills and instructions on how to take them and off he went, back across the oceans, desert, as all the serpents had either died or fled at the sight of him.

To his surprise, when he got back to where his village was, he saw no sign of it, just a huge crater-like dent in the ground where his village once stood and an official-looking person riding a horse. When he went up the official, who introduced himself as a government official, he asked what had happened. According to him, two months previous, a huge round monster calling himself America had blown up and flattened the town.

This, children, is why no one should eat as much as America, because you will become so big that you will explode.

**This story/crack/drabble/etc. was actually based on a class assignment I had, writing a "tall tale". I had the entire weekend plus two extra days to write it, but procrastinated and never did. I ended up writing the original during the last ten minutes of my lunchtime, which was a month or so ago because my teacher is really slow at grading and handing stuff back. Later, I did bit of editing, subbed Hetalia characters for the originals, and added a littler more to it so it would flow better. I hope you enjoyed this. Reviews are welcome and appreciated.**


End file.
